Weightless
by alphatriles
Summary: AU - Cam survives his suicide attempt in the greenhouse.
1. Chapter 1

Campbell Saunders sighed as he pressed send on his text to Maya Matlin. He couldn't handle this anymore. There was nothing else he could do. He slowly made his way to the greenhouse, his hockey bag slung over his shoulder. When he reached the greenhouse, he made sure there was no one in there before sitting down and pulling his skates out of his bag. Now the tears were streaming down his face. He sat there, the skate hovering over his wrist, crying. He didn't want the last thing he ever said to be so meaningless. He looked up at the roof, at the sun peeking through the translucent cover.

"I love you, Maya. I'm so sorry," he said as he slid the skate across his wrist and scrambled to the other. He dropped the skate to his side. The last thing he remembered was hearing someone call his name.

* * *

><p>Campbell woke up in a hospital bed, his wrist aching. He slowly opened his eyes and saw his mom standing over him, tear streaks visible on her face. "Mom?" he said weakly.<p>

Mrs. Saunders enclosed her son in a hug. "Oh, Cam. I should have never let you leave home. I'm so sorry."

He hugged his mother tight. When they pulled away, he looked out the door. There was a security guard sitting on a chair right outside. "Who is that?"

His mom looked back out the door. "He's to make sure you don't do anything. You're on suicide watch, honey. You-" She couldn't finish.

Cam quickly grabbed his mom's hand, even though the pain in his wrist shot up his arm when he did. "I'm so sorry," was all he could say.

"No, no, it's okay. You're okay now that's all that matters," Mrs. Saunders said, wiping the tears off her cheeks. "There's someone who wants to see you actually."

She walked over to the door and waved someone in. A girl with short, curly blonde hair walked in. Right away, Cam knew it was Maya. He couldn't look at her right now, not like this. "I'll give you two some privacy," his mom said before walking out.

Maya cautiously made her way over to Cam's bedside. She sat down on the edge of his bed without looking at him. "Are you okay?"

Cam kept his gaze hovering towards the door where his mother had just exited. "I guess."

"You wouldn't have left a note?" Maya said silently, causing Cam's gaze to quickly move to Maya.

He was speechless. He hadn't even thought about it. The last thing she would have ever heard from him would be that text. "Oh, Maya, I'm so sorry."

Cam reached for her hand, but she pulled away. "Why didn't you tell me you were hurting? I could've helped you. Did you not trust me enough to tell me all of this?"

"No! Maya, that's not what any of this was about. I just didn't want you to worry," he said, never taking his eyes off of her.

Maya looked at him and saw the guilt and pain in his eyes. "When I got your text, I was so mad. I thought you had blown me off. I was really hurt, Cam. But then I got a text from your number saying that you had tried to kill yourself and all of that anger left me and worry took it's place."

Cam could feel the tears swelling up in his eyes, but he refused to let them come. He couldn't cry in front of Maya, he wouldn't. "Maya, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for everything I've ever put you through and all the anger and hurt I've made you feel. You're the best thing that has ever happened to me, Maya, but I just couldn't live with myself anymore."

"You...you couldn't live with yourself? Do you understand what you would have put me through if someone hadn't found you?" Maya said, standing up, anger rippling through her voice. "Did you even think about what you were leaving behind? Would that have been your sick way of breaking up with me? Cam, you didn't even say goodbye!"

The tears were streaming down Maya's face. Cam could feel the tears spilling down his. He couldn't stop them now. He sat up quickly, trying to speak through his crying. "Maya. I never wanted to hurt you! The only thing I ever wanted to do was let you know that I love you and that I'll always love you. I was scared, Maya. I was so scared."

Maya took a step back towards Cam's bed. "If you were so scared, why didn't you tell me?"

Cam threw his hands up in frustration. "I don't know! Did you think it would have been easy for me to tell you any of this? I couldn't have just brought it up in a normal conversation with you. I couldn't have gone, 'Oh, yeah, by the way, I'm depressed.' It's not easy, Maya!"

Maya crossed her arms. The security guard by the door was peering in, obviously concerned about the yelling, but Cam ignored him. Maya sighed and sat back on the edge of the bed. "But you tried to. When you broke your arm, that wasn't an accident, was it?"

"I didn't fall off the catwalk...I jumped," Cam said quietly. "I was having a hard time with the team and I was under a lot of pressure, so I just jumped."

"Oh, Cam," Maya said, covering her mouth with her hand, sobbing. "So was that a suicide attempt, too?"

Cam reached for Maya's hand again and this time, she didn't pull away, but squeezed his hand. "I don't think so. I just needed an excuse to get away from hockey for a while and that seemed like the only way."

Maya's vision was blurring with tears. "I feel horrible. I can't believe I didn't notice any of this. All those times I thought you were just acting out, you were asking for help."

There was a long silence between them. The only sound was Maya's sobs. Cam kept his eyes locked on Maya. This was all his fault. Everything he did, it left a trail of disaster after. He pulled Maya in close for a hug and her sobs intensified. "Don't ever do this again, promise?"

Cam blinked away the tears as he hugged Maya tighter. "I promise."


	2. Chapter 2

Maya had left an hour ago, leaving Cam to his thoughts. Mrs. Saunders had brought him lunch, but he didn't have the energy to eat it. His conversation with Maya had left him drained and all he wanted to do was get back on the ice. He never thought he'd miss hockey this much. He laid back on his pillow, thinking. He couldn't stop thinking about the person who called his name. At the time, he didn't recognize the voice, but that's only because he in the middle of passing out from blood loss.

"Cam?" A voice said from the doorway.

That voice made Cam grit his teeth. Zig was the last person he wanted to see right now. "Go away."

Zig did the opposite and stepped farther into the room. "Cam, I wanna talk to you."

"Yeah, well, I don't wanna talk to you," Cam said, looking out the window at the rain that had started to fall.

"Would you just listen to me?" Zig said, his voice rising.

The security guard got up from his chair and peered in. Cam waved him off, looking back at Zig. "What? What could you possibly have to say to me now? You were right."

Zig walked to the foot of the bed and put his hands on the bar. "No, I was wrong. You aren't a psycho, Cam. I should have never said those things to you in front of school. I didn't know that you would take what I said so seriously like that."

Cam looked at Zig, disgusted. "You think you're the reason I did this?" He said holding up his wrists. Zig flinched. "Well, you didn't. This wasn't your fault, so stop thinking it is."

"How...how did you know I thought it was my fault?" Zig said, staring down at his hands.

"Maya told me," Cam said with a sigh.

Zig looked up at the mention of the blonde-haired girl they were fighting over. "She did?"

Cam nodded, sitting up and pushing the tray of food away from him. "Yeah. I had to tell her that it wasn't her fault either."

"Why'd you do it?" Zig asked, stepping around to the side of the bed and taking a seat in the chair Mrs. Saunders had been sitting in earlier.

The pain in Cam's wrists was still pretty intense and every time he felt that pain, he remember the pain he felt when he held the skate to them. "I'm depressed, I guess. I was homesick and I was under a lot of stress. It all got the better of me."

"Why didn't you just talk to someone about it?" Zig was full of questions.

Cam pulled the tray of food towards him, suddenly hungry. "I didn't want people to think I was some loser who wanted to hurt himself because I couldn't deal with a little stress."

Zig looked down at his hands. "I don't think you're a loser." He looked up, bracing himself for some snide comment from Cam, but Cam was too shocked to speak. "Look, I'm sorry for everything that happened. I should never have come between you and Maya. I let my feelings for her get the better of me."

Shock was still settled on Cam's face as he said, "No, I'm sorry I got so jealous and reacted the way I did. I was out of control."

The two boys sat in silence. Zig glanced down at his watch. "I, uh, I gotta go. My mom wants me home before dinner."

Cam nodded as Zig stood up. He hesitated before holding his hand out to Cam. "We're cool, right?"

"Yeah," Cam said, shaking Zig's hand, "we're cool. Just don't go stealing my girlfriend."

Zig grinned, turning to leave. "Yeah, sure, okay."


	3. Chapter 3

Cam laid back in the hospital bed, trying to listen to his mom talk to the doctor, Dr. Ramirez and security guard outside. The only thing he made out was that he shouldn't get right back into school and that too much stress could send him spiraling back into his depression.

He sat up when the doctor walked in, his mom trailing behind. "Well?"

Dr. Ramirez took a seat in the chair by the bed. "You've been cleared to leave the day after tomorrow, but I highly recommend you don't jump back into your school work. Also, I think you should take a break from hockey-"

"What?" Cam demanded with anger and shock.

Mrs. Saunders sat down on the edge of the bed. "Honey, I heard about what happened with the team. It sounded like that was causing you stress, too."

Cam looked at his mom with pleading eyes. "But Mom, being on the ice calmed me down. You can't just tell me to stay away from it!"

The doctor and Mrs. Saunders exchanged glances. Dr. Ramirez sighed, rubbing his temples. "Okay, you can get on the ice whenever you want, but you're not allowed to play or practice with the team until I've cleared you, got it?"

Cam nodded, a huge grin on his face. "Got it."

"One last thing," Dr. Ramirez said, putting his clipboard down and looking up at Cam. "You're still on suicide watch. Now, I'd recommend you head home with your mother, but she's insisted that you stay here, in Toronto."

"Wait, what?" Cam said, looking back and forth between his mother and his doctor. "You're letting me stay at Degrassi?"

Mrs. Saunders nodded. "I'll get an apartment near the school. I don't want to rip you away from the life you've built here."

Cam smiled slightly. "But what about the rest of the family?"

"Your father can handle your siblings and we can visit them on the weekends and when you have breaks from school. I am never leaving you alone again, Campbell," Mrs. Saunders said, tears falling from her cheeks, grabbing her son's hand.

Dr. Ramirez cleared his throat, causing the two Saunders to look at him. "Well, I'll have your mother sign the release forms and you'll be out of here in two days, okay?"

Cam nodded. Maybe for once he could finally be happy.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: I am so sorry this took so long to post. I've been busy with school and this chapter needed a lot of attention. Also, while reading Maya's speech, I suggest you listen to "How To Save A Life" by The Fray.**

* * *

><p>Cam sighed as he sat on the edge of the hospital bed, staring at the heart monitor that Dr. Ramirez had just shut off. He hopped off the bed and zipped up his Ice Hounds hoodie. Maya stood at the doorway, watching.<p>

"You okay?" Maya said, staring at Cam with curiosity.

The sleeves of his hoodie were rolled up, like always, revealing the bandages on his wrists. He looked down at his wrists and quickly pulled the sleeves down. "I think for the first time in a while, yeah, I am."

Maya smiled and reached for his hand. "That's good."

Cam took Maya's hand in his and squeezed. "So you really don't mind getting my homework for the rest of the week?"

Maya shook her head quickly. "Of course I don't! You need to rest, Cam, get away from the stress, you know?" They walked out of the room and into an elevator. Maya turned to Cam as the elevator doors closed. "Are you still gonna be playing hockey?"

"Not right now. I'm allowed to get on the ice and skate around a bit, but I can't practice or play," Cam said, sighing. "You know, I'm kinda happy about that, but part of me isn't. Hockey caused a lot of my stress, you know, with being the youngest player on the team and everyone always telling me how I was going to make it big in the NHL if I played my cards right. But being on the ice, with my stick on a puck, was calming. I never felt more at home then I did on the ice." He looked over at Maya who was smiling at him. "What?"

She locked eyes with him and let out a small giggle. "You talk about hockey with so much passion. It kinda makes me wonder how you talk about me."

Cam felt the heat rise to his cheeks from embarrassment. He moved his hand to his neck and looked down at his feet. "Oh, um, you know...about the same," he mumbled.

Maya giggled, slipping her hand inside Cam's. "You're so sweet, Saunders."

His hand was sweaty, but Maya didn't care. He was still here, still hers. They turned to each other at the same time to speak.

"I'm sorry-"

"I'm glad-"

Cam smiled sheepishly before waving his hand for her to go on. "You first."

At first, Maya stared at him. He had started out with an apology. As much as she wanted to hear what he had to say, she continued. "I'm glad that you're here. You know, with me. When I got that phone call...I thought I had lost you." At this, Cam looked down at their hands that were still intertwined. Maya frowned, but continued anyway. "Remember when I came to visit you? That wasn't my first time here. The day you were admitted, your mom had just gotten here and I had been waiting for hours for her to come because the nurses wouldn't let me see you or tell me anything. I guess you must've shown her pictures of me or something because she recognized me and knew my name. Anyway..."

* * *

><p>"Maya? Are you Maya?"<p>

A tall dark-haired woman made her way over to where the young blonde was sitting. When the lady got closer, Maya recognized her as Mrs. Saunders. "Yeah, that's me. You're Cam's mom, right?"

The lady nodded and took a seat next to Maya. "Is he okay? Do you know what happened?"

Maya shook her head, looking over at the nurse's station where the nurse who had snapped at her for her continuous questions about Cam's condition was sitting. "They won't tell me anything because I'm not family. I've been waiting for you."

It was then that Mrs. Saunders got up and went to the nurse's station, asking about her son. They pointed her towards a room down the hall. The woman looked back at Maya and waved for her to come along. Maya hesitated at first, but quickly scrambled to her feet to follow.

Mrs. Saunders went in the room first. There was a nurse standing at the foot of the bed, looking at a chart. When the nurse caught sight of Maya, she told Mrs. Saunders that she wasn't allowed in, that Cam wasn't having visitors just yet, but Mrs. Saunders gave the nurse a sharp look and told her that Maya was staying. The nurse threw her hands up in surrender and left the room, shouldering Maya as she did. But Maya shook it off and stood in the doorway. She kept her eyes trained on the white tile floor beneath her, not wanting to look at Cam because she knew that if she did, she would cry. It was when Mrs. Saunders said her name that Maya did look up. But she didn't look at Mrs. Saunders. She looked at Cam. She hesitantly took a step towards the sleeping boy.

Her first thought was that he wasn't breathing, but as she got closer, she saw he was. Realizing this thought, Maya felt the tears well up in her eyes. She glanced down at Cam's wrists. The once white bandages were stained red, the stitches obviously not doing their job of keeping the wound closed. A small sound escaped from Maya's throat as she choked on her tears. She ran her fingers over the bandage, looking up at Mrs. Saunders who had her eyes trained on Maya, watching her with a pitiful look. Suddenly ashamed of how she must look, Maya looked back down at Cam's arm and moved her hand to his, grasping it in her own.

Slowly, her eyes found their way to Cam's face. He looked so peacefully sleeping there and suddenly the memory of their sleepover hit her like a ton of bricks. Seeing how peaceful he looked, the most peaceful Cam had ever looked, sent Maya over the edge. She quickly excused herself and hurried out of the room. She scanned the halls looking for the bathroom and when she finally found one, she locked herself in a stall. She sat on the toilet for hours, just crying.

* * *

><p>"...I knew you were sad, I just didn't think you were that sad, you know? I didn't think you would actually..." Maya trailed off as she began to twirl her already curled blonde locks. She took a deep, shaky breath before continuing. "I just kept thinking over and over again: 'Was it my fault he did this? Did I not make him happy enough?' But then I realized," Maya said, looking up at Cam. He was looking at her with a curious look in his eyes now, "it wasn't just my fault. I mean, it was partly my fault because I didn't see the signs. But it was all of our faults. None of us knew or understood what you were going through. We couldn't possibly have understood how you had felt. But now I do. I understand what it's like to lose all hope because that's how I felt when I heard you had tried to kill yourself."<p>

"Maya-" Cam started to interject, but Maya put her hand up to stop him.

"Let me finish. What I'm basically trying to say is: the next time you feel like you're gonna do anything like this again, call me. I promise to listen to you. I promise to talk you down. I promise to keep you safe. So long as neither of us feel that hopelessness ever again. Okay?"

Cam tilted his head, his eyes watering. Removing his hand from Maya's, he moved it to her cheek, brushing away the tears that had started to fall from her eyes during her speech. "I love you so much, M."

Maya chuckled, leaning her head into Cam's hand. "I love you, too, Superstar."

Leaning in, Cam gave her a small peck on the cheek as the elevator doors slowly came rumbling open. As he pulled away from her, he bit his lips and slipped his hand back into hers. As they walked towards the main entrance of the hospital where Mrs. Saunders was waiting for them, a thought - no more like a question - popped into Cam's mind. When they reached the doors, Cam pulled Maya to the side, watching as the doors automatically slid open. "Maya...who found me?"

By the way Maya avoid Cam's gaze, he knew he wasn't going to like the answer. But when she spoke, he felt his heart drop to his stomach. The person who had found him was the last person Cam had wanted to even thinking about finding him.

"It was Dallas."


End file.
